How to Burn 40 Pounds in 3 Months

Obligatory Disclaimer:  I’m just some douche. This isn’t medical advice. I’m not a doctor or in any way qualified to be preaching about health. If you do this; you’re an idiot. Everything below – I did. I lost 40 pounds without any change in my sedentary lifestyle – true story, bro. What’ll happen if I start exercising?

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To Eat:

  • Fresh Sweet Red Peppers
  • Fresh Celery
  • Fresh Kale
  • Fresh Baby Carrots
  • Fresh Cucumber
  • Frozen Spinach
  • Frozen Fruit (Significant percentage of which was sliced strawberries)
  • Pineapple Juice
  • Kellogs Special K Breakfast Shakes

To Drink:

  • Tons of water
  • Tons of water mixed with straight-up lemon juice
  • Straight-up lemon juice
  • Coffee + Coconut Oil + Almond Milk + Mini-Blender (Get a knock-off Magic Bullet)


  • Nicotine
  • Caffiene
  • Dihydrogen Monoxide


  • No booze
  • Nothing Honey Boo Boo would eat
  • Glass of water before each meal
  • Five hours sleep per night (make it a good sleep)
  • Catch up on ABC’s LOST while you’re at it




  • Glass of water
  • Nicotine
  • Coffee (specifics contained above)
  • In a blender: randomly mix fresh vegetables and frozen fruit; then top off with pineapple juice
  • Occasional breakfast shake – you know… because vitamins and shit


  • Glass of water
  • Coffee or breakfast shake or veggie smoothie
  • Nicotine


  • Glass of water
  • Veggie shake
  • Nicotine
  • OPTIONAL – salad or chicken


Sleep 5-6 Hours




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